Shocked and She Said What?

I was really shocked when it happened. Did I hear her right? Why would she say that? I was confused, disappointed, and disgusted by her. What had she said?

I was in my early teens when she came to visit. I had not been around my grandmother much during my life. She had helped raise my dad with the help of her parents, and I had little to do with her as a child. We would visit her, but I never felt connected, and frankly, I didn’t like her much.

She had just arrived at our home after my parents had picked her up from the bus station over an hour and a half away.She had taken the bus from Los Angeles to Redding in California to visit us, and I had kind of been looking forward to her visit, yet it also felt uncomfortable with the change in our routine and sleeping arrangements. When she got on the bus, Her luggage did not get on with her.

She told me about what happened. She explained that when she got to the station, she gave her bags to a steward to put on the bus. He made a mistake and they ended up on the wrong bus. At least, that was her explanation. But along with the explanation, she described the steward as, “A little [N-word] boy.” I don’t think that in my life I had ever heard someone say that word aloud in my presence. It really came as a shock to hear its use, and what was worse, it came from my grandmother.

The Reality vs. Perception

My grandmother was from western Arkansas and she grew up in the years before the depression. Even though it was before the depression, her family had little. She suffered a head injury as a youngster and had not continue to develop mentally as she grew.

I did not understand much about her at the time. I just knew that she did not fit in with my family. She was very different. I wanted to run from her. It was too much for me.

I don’t believe that she understood in any way what she had done, but I felt severely disappointed with her. I carried that disappointment for years. As I look at it now, I harbored it and let it fester. Then, something happened. I chose to see her differently. I looked at her upbringing. Assuming good intent, I took a new look at my grandmother. A stroke debilitated her for years by this point, and I came to see her in a new light.

Forgiving to Heal

I chose to forgive her and let my feelings toward her heal. She didn’t ask, nor should I have expected her to ask. I just needed to let it go. There is a lot more to the story of the attitudes that came from that side of my family, but I have come to terms with where it came from and how it progressed. I do not condone prejudice, and so I do not want to practice it myself. That is a lesson that a lot of people today could stand to learn.

If you want to feel safe and the ability to know yourself, learn to forgive and look at people with good intent. It must be practiced in order to see meaningful results. It will help you to become who you really want to be, and who you are meant to be. I encourage you to choose in to be a great forgiver, and someone who also asks for forgiveness. Try it. You will like it in the long run.