Is Being Ashamed Good For You?

I lived a lot of my life feeling ashamed. I wasn’t good enough. Having such shame, I didn’t think much of myself. Why would anyone like me because I was so horrible?

Life was really hard being me. I wanted to be someone else.

Does that sound familiar to you, and if so, where did it start? I remember the moment that I really started to feel that way about myself. I was in the first grade and I was the second tallest kid in my grade. The tallest boy, Jeff, was likable and good looking, but one day, something happened between the two of us. We ended up in a fight during recess. The problem was that Jeff didn’t fight well.

My name, Mark, means “warlike” and I lived up to the moniker. I remember punching Jeff in the face and watching his head hit the brick wall behind him each time I connected. He started to cry, and that is when the recess monitor took note and came over to stop us. As I recall, she was not mean, but she was firm and we both ended up in the principal’s office.

What made me feel most ashamed was that I had hurt Jeff. I made him cry. I was mean. This sunk in deep and shaped who I would become in life.

Are Misperceptions Your Fault?

When your perception is skewed, is it your fault? Did you create the messed up sense of reality?

I lived in Korea for a couple of years and got to know the people pretty well, but I couldn’t understand why they did a lot of things until I majored in Korean and Asian Studies in college. I found that individuals were not important and that you should be doing everything in your life to please someone else. If you did something considered to be unbecoming of your station, you suffered a loss of face. Think of what you look like when you lose face. You tend to droop your head. You start to look inside and ask, “What is wrong with me?”

Unfortunately, this kind of shame may be misguided. When you allow others to define who you are, your decision making abilities become narrowed. The worry over what others might say cause your mind to constrict your vision of possible opportunities.

The Flip Side

Rather than being ashamed of your actions, you might take pride in them because you want to make a point, even if it hurts yourself or others. You defy others because you don’t want to look like others make you comply. Often, you will want to do what you think others want you to do, but you defiantly choose to go against the grain because you don’t want to be perceived as caving in to the majority. “No losing face here because I’d rather rip it off myself.”

It becomes habit to defy others. You strength your pride as you hear others condemn you for your actions. You feed on it.

How do I know about this? Well, I lived it. I thought my identity was defined by being right all the time. Despite knowing I made mistakes, I would never admit them to anyone else. I often recriminated myself, and that just added to my shame.

What Is Another Option?

I would recommend that you you look at yourself and ask how meek you are. Meekness is regularly equated with weakness. I actually see it as a great strength. It takes a lot of courage to be meek and willing to learn when you know that you have messed up. The meek look for lessons and how to use them to better themselves.

Take some time to learn from your pain. Or learn to have some more faith.

I would love to help you work on changing your life perspective. You are enough and have a lot to offer. It just takes a willingness to learn.