What Words Do You Use To Strengthen Others?

A neighbor recently passed away and it gave me a moment to pause and ponder on how much he helped strengthen me and my family. By worldly standards, he wasn’t a really important man.

What he did in life was very important to me and many others. He cared. He shared. I honor his life of quiet service.

I also noticed an important aspect of his life. His impact on his family is obvious. He built character by how he treated others and at his funeral, his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren showed their love for him, even in ways that made them uncomfortable. They stretched themselves because they wanted to honor him.

Your Words Matter

When it comes to speaking to others, the words you use are extremely important. Some of you may even be questioning my use of “extremely” at this very moment. Why? Certain words cause emotions to come up.

Depending on the experiences of your life, the emotions may be tied to specific words or phrases. These emotions may help or hinder our ability to hear the message that the deliverer is attempting to share.

Take the following example and see how you feel and what you think you would hear.

Speak to a child so that he or she will accomplish a household task.

“You have to get this done, NOW! Why don’t you ever listen to me? You are so stupid. You can’t seem to get anything right that I tell you to do. Oh, you are so worthless around here.”

Does that seem to convey the message that you want the task done immediately? Is it powerful? When you hear this, does it motivate you or do you feel small? I have been on both ends of this type of dialog. It is not something that I want to do to others, but I have a past that sometimes comes rushing back into my present.

Why does it come into my present? It almost always jumps in when I am triggered by an emotion, and instead of choosing to act how I want, I go into autopilot. I start tearing down instead of empowering the other person.

Be Aware And Strengthen Rather Than Injure

This good neighbor often had a kind word for my or one of my kids. More than anything else, he helped by say things like, “Let me see if I can help.” Or he might say, “I think I have that tool.” His actions spoke very loudly.

The things you do on behalf of others is a message in itself. The body language you use is also crucial in helping others feel empowered. I know that when I tell my kids they are good, but I’m sidestepping or looking down and not into their eyes, the message is not what I intend it to be.

If someone asks you to help them and you say yes, but you shrug your shoulders or let them slump, you sent a message that you were not willing to help. You cause them to receive a message of being a burden.

See The Good In Others

When you see the good in someone, you act differently. Think about a time you dealt with someone that you were not too sure about. You were wondering if you should avoid them and trying to get out of the interaction. At this point, you knew they could feel it and it made you feel uncomfortable. You might have acted aggressively, or you might have been timid. It just felt wrong.

Now take a different look at the same situation. You are not too sure about the person, but you say to yourself, “I can see that there is good in him.” You look for that good and see that though he is struggling, he has real kindness in his heart. You speak to him with the confidence that he is kind. He changes his demeanor and the conversation opens up and it is a pleasant experience.

I’m not going to say that this will happen with everyone. Some people are treated so poorly, so often, that they cannot trust, and they thus will consistently act in ways that are not trustworthy. Regardless, by showing some trust up front, you have built an experience for them to hold in their heart. As you strengthen people through these simple means, be watchful.

Receive What Others Want To Share With You

I have learned that as I help others, more people show up in my life to build me up. One of our biggest problems in our society is the misnomer that receiving a compliment is greedy or prideful.

In my family, we have an unspoken agreement that we point out to one another when we are not receiving. Rather than pointing out the faults we have, by saying, “Do you realize that you just pushed that compliment away?”, we are encouraging each other to receive more. We are lifting the other person to see what they had not seen in their response. I have experienced this and immediately looked at the person and thanked them for the compliment and I often will do so with body language of receiving to not only show them that I am receiving, but I am also training myself to feel that process of receiving.

By receiving, you can strengthen others’ desire to give. When someone sees their gift is received, they feel that it is worth giving. Think of the disparity of feeling between when a person literally pushes away a kind word, or throws it on the floor, versus those who graciously accept your kindness and how that makes you feel. The difference is great.

Consider How You Speak To Yourself

Now consider yourself. Do you speak kindly to you? I know I don’t always act very kind. At one point, I used to be downright mean and I was a horrible bully to myself. I share some of the insights I learned about this in Leaving Leaves. It has been a remarkable process to transition from using poor word choices to being aware and building instead of tearing down.

I know that you will transition as you become more aware. No matter how much you work on yourself, there is always a new level of awareness and growth that you can attain. If you want some personalized help with that, contact me.

Coming from a place where I at one point no longer wanted to be here, I understand how being unkind can have drastic consequences. If you know someone who is feeling defeated, or if you are, I encourage you to watch Bend Don’t Break by my friend Alex Boyé. Strengthen yourself and others, please.