Praise or Fault Finding?

I remember that one of the things that I always wanted from my grandfather was some praise. I looked up to him. He was a strong man and a determined one. He had suffered a lot in his life and had made a good life for himself and his family. When I was younger, I remember taking the 30 to 60 minute drives to visit my grandparents on the southern California freeways. I always had a great anticipation for our visits. My grandmother would spoil me and my brother. We never quite knew what my grandfather might do.

He worked back in those days and I don’t recall how often he wasn’t there when we visited, but I remember all the cool things we would see when he was there. He impressed me with his ability to make things to better his home, whether for himself, or for my grandmother. In my eyes, he was an incredible man.

Things changed when my parents moved to northern California because my grandparents moved with us. We moved to the “sticks” where we had adjoining lots. Living in a pine forest, we had a lot of work to do on our properties. As I grew, I had more responsibility placed on me. When I worked with my grandfather, I noticed that he was rather critical of my work. I could never quite get it right. He always expected more than I could, or was willing, to give.

Opening My Eyes

As I study my family history, the roots of his behavior have become rather obvious to me. His upbringing in East Prussia was one of obedience and conformity. He probably seldom got any praise but often received criticism. That criticism was often intended to build and correct, but is was criticism none the less.

Having been the recipient of this kind of criticism most of my life, I know how much it can hurt. Though the intent might be to help someone see things more clearly, the impact is that you are not enough. I love my grandfather and all that he taught me, but this one thing has been a point that I have needed to change in my own life. I found that I too was very critical of my kids. They didn’t receive praise from me, they got constructive criticism. They had low self-esteem and we did not connect. I had a lot of trouble figuring out why until I recognized this point. No longer do I blame him. I recognize that it was a pattern he had learned, and I did too.

Choosing to Praise and Love

I started to change how I speak to my kids. I choose to use positive language, even when things aren’t quite what I want. There are times I point out things to improve on, but far less than I used to do. I found that their performance improved as I changed my language. I won’t say that I am perfect. There are times when I am not conscious of what I am saying, and those old habits come back, but they come back less and less as I practice positive language.

I also found that my performance improved as I started using the same language with myself. I find that I am much more positive about my abilities and I thus do better work. When I started writing this newsletter, I would tell myself that I wasn’t a writer. No one would read what I had to say. I have changed that language to recognize that I have something to share and that my efforts are enough.

I have seen improvement in my writing as I practice each week at conveying a message to you to help you look at life and yourself differently. Take an opportunity to make a change in your life. Try just one thing like changing your language to be positive with those who don’t meet your expectations. Start anticipating the good they they will do instead. It will make your relationship better, and things will improve.